


don't bring tomorrow

by destiny919



Series: time travel trauma [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Gabriel Agreste's A+ Parenting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Episode: s03 Desperada, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29032008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destiny919/pseuds/destiny919
Summary: In his dreams he's still going through the loops, over and over again, watching Ladybug die. And it's not just the yellow light from Desperada's horn, it's his own hands filled with the bubbling black power of Cataclysm, coming down on his lady's chest and disintegrating her himself. More times even than the yellow light, its Ladybug turning into ash like so many metal pylons.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Plagg, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Series: time travel trauma [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129838
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	don't bring tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> im obsessed with desperada guys
> 
> title from tomorrow by daughter

"How can he have grown half an inch?" Gabriel says disapprovingly. "His measurements were just taken last week."

The doctor only shrugs. He and Adrien's father are standing by the door while Adrien lies in bed, face pressed to his pillow, pretending not to listen, although he is almost asleep. He woke up that morning and told Nathalie he felt too weak and ill to get out of bed. His father was obviously informed and a professional at the mansion within the hour. "He's at that age when young men start growing like weeds. With Adrien's level of athleticism, I would be surprised if he weren't taller than you someday, Monsieur Agreste."

"Hm," Gabiel says. "Well, what's the matter with him? Can you prescribe anything?"

"I believe this has been brought on by simple overwork," the doctor says to Gabriel in an undertone. He's the private family physician, who can be counted upon to keep quiet about any embarrassing health issues Adrien might have, like being underweight or exhaustion or bruising from his father losing his temper and backhanding him. Adrien lost his temper many times during the loops. He actually broke down and yelled at Ladybug once for choosing someone like him. He can barely be Chat Noir, the Miraculous that's actually supposed to be  _ meant _ for him. And if she knows him well enough to trust him with a Miraculous - and he has no idea how - then why hasn't she already realized he's her Chat Noir? He lost his temper with her for that, too. He imagines having expressed that by striking his lady at his most upset - which even Adrien can't tell himself isn't exponentially worse than how Gabriel could have felt on any of those occasions. It's unfathomable to him. Whenever he "lost control," as his father described it, Adrien had done something like jump in the Seine, not attack the nearest person who wouldn't, couldn't fight back. He hadn't even screamed at Ladybug then - and that only happened when he wasn't just "losing control," he was  _ losing his mind.  _ His father also never screams. He remains cold and  _ in control  _ the entire time.

The doctor continues talking. "A few days of rest and all should be well."

It wouldn't. It wouldn't even if Adrien was suffering from only overwork - for him to actually succumb to it, things would have to have gotten so bad he was physically unable to get up. And to actually recuperate from that, he'd probably need to be hospitalized, not take a day or two off. For this, however, maybe a few days could be enough time to pick up the remaining pieces of his soul and shove as many back inside his body as he can find. It definitely won't be all of them, if for no other reason than there's already a lot missing that he's  _ never _ getting back.

"Give him the rest of the week off of school," the doctor says. Ordinarily, that would be the worst possible thing to happen, sending him into a panic attack at the mere idea of four days away from his friends and only reasons for living - since he certainly can't go out and see Ladybug either. He isn't sure how to ever face her again. But he doesn't think he can face his classmates either. They'll know something is wrong, or at least Nino will. And he can't tell them, even if it doesn't matter since he'll never be the Snake again. No one else will understand  _ why _ he went through the loop thousands and thousands of times. He can't possibly love Ladybug, a celebrity crush, that much. How could he have that much blind, stubborn belief in the infallibility of her judgment and her plans?

Not that he still does. 

And they'll understand even less his bottomless, unrelenting  _ need _ to prove himself to her, not even just to try and make her want his civilian self, but because she'd said  _ they didn't need Chat Noir.  _ That was like a sword through his chest - and, trust him, he knows how it feels. But maybe, he thought, if he could also help her defeat the akuma as Aspik, as  _ Adrien, _ it might make that hurt a little bit less. She'd have still needed Chat Noir to win the day, even if she didn't know it.

But he didn't. He couldn't. In his dreams he's still going through the loops, over and over again, watching Ladybug die. And it's not just the yellow light from Desperada's horn, it's his own hands filled with the bubbling black power of Cataclysm, coming down on his lady's chest and disintegrating her himself. More times even than the yellow light, its Ladybug turning into ash like so many metal pylons.

Dreams are funny, hundreds happening within seconds, since it can't have been more than a few minutes before Nathalie wakes him again. "Meals will be brought to you at the usual time," she says tonelessly. "If you require anything else, you have your phone and I will be in my office."

"Okay," Adrien mumbles, but the door is already clicking shut.

Plagg wiggles out from under his pillow and regards him with unusually mournful poisonous green eyes. "A few days isn't gonna be enough," he says.

"I know, Plagg." He'd shut his eyes again to avoid his kwami's gaze, but that will just mean seeing his lady die instead, whether or not he can actually fall back to sleep. "I could have all the time in the world and it won't be enough, will it?"

"It will eventually, kid," Plagg says, almost tenderly. He grabs the blanket with his tiny paws and drags it over Adrien's shoulder. "You're just gonna need more than anyone will let you have."

"Don't I always?"

"I just want make sure you understand that this isn't something you can brush off." He sighs. "Look, I know how you're feeling after what happened-"

Adrien can't help snorting at that description, especially since its so unlike Plagg to sugarcoat anything, but he supposes there's no way to describe  _ what happened _ without being reductive or sounding ridiculous.  _ Always so dramatic,  _ his father would say, looking down his nose at Adrien crying.

"- but it wasn't your fault, kid. You weren't the right person for that job, and Ladybug made some...questionable decisions."

"Yeah," Adrien says hollowly. "Like picking me for a Miraculous."

"First of all," Plagg growls,  _ "I  _ picked you for a Miraculous. And my decision-making is faultless."

"Sure. I thought Master Fu picked me?"

Plagg rolls his eyes. "The old man was actually smart enough to ask Tikki and I who we wanted, although I guess he didn't have a bunch of monks to choose from like before. Bad shit happens when the two of us are stuck with holders we don't want."

"...What?  _ Monks?"  _

"I'm gonna kill them both," Plagg mutters. "I still can't believe  _ she _ doesn't even tell you."

"Ladybug-"

_ "Has no right to keep those secrets while calling you her partner." _ There's something reverberating in Plagg's voice when he says that, his eyes seeming to glow even brighter in the dim room. "She doesn't have the right to keep picking Miraculous holders without you, either. And this whole fucking thing could have been avoided if she were less of a hypocrite."

Adrien gapes at him. 

"I said what I said," Plagg snips. "You know I'm right. When was the last time you actually  _ felt _ like her partner?" He's quiet. "At least before she started handing out other Miraculous, right?"

"...Maybe."

"And yet she still says it. Empty words are the  _ definition _ of hypocrisy, kid." 

"Any failings of Ladybug's," Adrien gets out with difficulty, "don't change the fact that I'm actually an experienced hero, and yet I couldn't get it right in  _ tens of thousands _ of loops."

Plagg makes an exasperated cat noise. "The whole point of the Snake is getting the right pieces in the right places at the right time. And that can only happen if it has the  _ right wielder.  _ You weren't it. You were a different piece that had to be in play, as Chat Noir. As soon as you showed up where the loop needed you to be, it worked. The only person who fucked up was Ladybug by letting juvenile feelings dictate one of all those battle decisions she loves to make unilaterally."

"Juvenile feelings?" Adrien says incredulously. "How does  _ that _ explain why she picked me?"

"Despite what Ladybug might think, they actually have nothing to do with  _ you, _ so don't worry about it," Plagg says. 

"That doesn't really make me feel better, Plagg." He's not sure anything will. If it were anyone but Plagg, even one of his friends, Adrien would be hiding under the bed rather than actually talk to them. "And... Christ, Plagg-"

"Do you even understand how rude it is to swear with a false god's name in front of me-"

"It's not even just all the times I failed. I... Do  _ you _ remember being in the loop?"

"No," Plagg says quietly.

"And yet I grew half an inch. It happened, Plagg, even though no one but me will ever remember. I  _ know _ I can't just brush it off. On the contrary, I'm," Adrien swallows hard, "I'm not sure how to stop it from  _ crushing _ me."

Plagg floats forward to press his tiny forehead against Adrien's. "You do whatever you need to do, Adrien. Even if..."

"Yeah?"

"It's okay to change," he says quietly. "It's okay to let something like this change you."

A long pause, and Adrien's shoulders actually loosen slightly. He's not totally sure why. "Thanks, Plagg," he whispers.

"Always, kid." Plagg lands on the pillow and curls up pressed against Adrien's cheek, purring.

He falls back to sleep. The nightmares will be waiting for him.

**Author's Note:**

> the rest of plagg's sentence was going to be "although yeshua was one hell of a ladybug" but that would have just completely melted adrien's culturally christian brain
> 
> im also salty about the power imbalance in ladynoir's relationship can you tell


End file.
